I Am Enough

Danfredo Photography | Philadelphia + Brooklyn Wedding Photography

I consider myself lucky. Most couples who struggle with infertility don't know that it's even an issue until they're elbow deep in the baby making process. We, however, knew about my PCOS diagnosis before we were even engaged. I knew Wil was the man I wanted to marry when I received that devastating news, but how could he. Not when there remained a very real possibility that I could never give him children. I cried a ton. He rubbed my back and told me it'd be okay. 

A week or so after my appointment, we had a very heavy conversation for a boyfriend/girlfriend to have. If we continue this relationship, are you okay with the possibility of it just being us? Are we enough for each other? The answer: Yes. 

I am enough. He is enough. We're happy being each other's everything.

I've read numerous testimonials about how hard infertility is for a marriage - the blame, the denial, the disappointment - it can really take a toll on an otherwise strong relationship. Not so for us. Sure, we want a family, but if that's not in the cards for us we know that we're enough for each other. I won't lie and say that I don't feel a pang of guilt and sadness every 28-35 days, I do. But it's not the end of the world. I can look him in the eye without having to wonder if he blames me. If he's disappointed in me. He doesn't. He isn't.

I am enough. He is enough. We're happy being each other's everything.

I'm not praying for a miracle. I'm just waiting for the biological situation to be perfect. Because that's what it all boils down to, really. I'm a walking biological experiment with a 3% chance of success. I didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to ask God about. I just got dealt a shitty hand as far as reproductive systems go.

So. Waiting. That's what we're doing. Not staring at the calendar. Not pumping my body full of chemicals. Not peeing on strips of paper. Not asking why this is what it is. Just waiting. Because if it doesn't happen, I am enough.

I am enough.


Caitlin said... January 27, 2014 at 12:45 PM

This is awesome Danielle. When Rob and I agreed to start not-NOT-trying, we agreed that if it didn't happen naturally we would let it go and just be in an awesome childfree marriage with lots of money and travel. It'd be sad, as you said, but not the end of the world. I think it's awesome you're not putting a ton of pressure on yourself and on your bodies, and just being who you are and being awesome. So, yay for awesome. And I said awesome like 7 times.

Anonymous said... January 27, 2014 at 3:55 PM

This is so sweet. This kind of love reminds me of the Death Cab song I Will Follow You Into the Dark.

Stay strong together. I've met plenty of happy couples without children (and arguable happier than those who have them). This is your choice and your choice alone. Deal with the "oh you don't have kids?" with grace or just straight out tell them to stfu.

Because you are enough. Both of you are.

In my own experience, when I stopped trying - either to be something I wasn't or whatnot that's when I found my answers. Whether it was finding my husband or finally getting pregnant - it all happened when I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and just let me be. I wish you all the best. <3

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