My Big Secret

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How did I get here again? The post I had drafted in my head included an extremely detailed account of my actions over the past 2 years that have caused me to gain almost 60 pounds. None of that matters though, really. I have made each and every decision that has brought me to back to a place I never thought I'd find myself again. I decided to stop watching my diet. I decided to stop exercising. I decided to allow undesirable situations get the best of me. I did it. Me. No one else.

I've also decided that it's time to finally commit myself to reversing the damage I've done to myself. It's taken quite a few months to get to a place where I was ready to put myself first again, but at least I'm here, right? I've spent a lot of time with myself over the past six months - something I can't say I've ever truly done before - and I've learned quite a few things about myself. For example, I know that I will always, always be a person who needs to be rewarded for a job well done. It's not enough for me to simply accomplish something and be satisfied with that. I've struggled with accepting that about myself, but it's me. I am insatiable.

I am also entirely unmotivated by my own good health and well-being. There have been several times over the past two years where I have thought to myself about the direction my weight was headed and frankly, I just didn't care. That could've been a depression thing, maybe. Even now though - in my 'committed' mindset - I feel kind of blah about getting myself under control. Which brings me to the next thing I realized about myself: I am the most successful when I have an audience. Doing things for myself when I'm the only one who sees it is very unrewarding to me. I rarely ever cook a meal for myself alone, but love cooking for Wil or even better, a big group of people.

I recognize that these three qualities are pretty undesirable, but they're part of who I am (and unless I decide to spend thousands of dollars on therapy or hypnosis or something, they're not changing). Rather than chastise myself for being this way, I've decided to play to these weaknesses during this new weight loss journey. My approach is going to be this: I will be totally transparent and public about my weight and will reward myself as I achieve pre-determined goals. I doubt that anyone truly cares about this journey as much as I do (I kind of don't), but if I do it publicly (with an audience), I believe I'll be successful (so long as I reward myself). I'll take it.

I've reached out to Melissa at Fun. Fit. Chic. for suggestions about my health and fitness. She turned me on to Nike Training Club and after peeking around the app, I think it's for me. My buddy Carina and I are going to mess around with it later today. I also went to the climbing gym here in town with my other buddy, Katch, earlier this month and I think that's for me, too. We're going to try it again after we use our CrossFit Groupon (which I also think is for me). Eventually, I'm going to choose something to supplement my regular gym regimen - actually, that's going to be one of my rewards.

About those rewards - they're pretty over the top. I need them to be. I also need to have rules and the rule I've made about the redemption of these rewards is that I have to maintain the goal weight for at least one week before I can cash in on my rewards. Since I'll be tempted to let myself go again after I reach my ultimate goal, I've also set up a few rewards for keeping the weight off. Here's what I have set up so far:

150 lbs - Year-long membership to Amrita Yoga, Go Vertical or CrossFit Novem.
140 lbs - Eyebrow tattoo touch-up and teeth whitening.
130 lbs - $1000 to spend at Victoria Secret and Lululemon.
120 lbs - A tattoo to remember the journey by.
1 month maintenance - A boudoir shoot.
3 months maintenance - $500 shopping spree.
6 months maintenance - $500 shopping spree.
12 months maintenance - A bad ass vacation.

I have 18 (almost 19) pounds to go before I hit my first goal. It may be a little ambitious, but I'm going to try to get there by Thanksgiving. This is not going to be easy, but nothing worth having comes easy, right? I'll update the blog as I reach my goals, but if you'd like to track my daily progress, you can follow along on Instagram (@danithebodi). Wish me luck! 

2 comments

Anonymous said... October 16, 2013 at 10:32 AM

I don't know how I got here but I liked your honesty in this post. Just remember to learn how to eat to nourish your body. To eat as naturally as you can. Diets don't work but good nutrition and a little treat of the things you like once a week is okay. And for workouts don't kill your self. Do fun cardio that energizes you and keeps you looking forward to your workouts. I used to do interval training with plyometric and I felt like I was working out too hard and not getting tone. Now I just dance/jump around in my living room to my favorite tunes for 30 min and 30 of yoga and I feel energized, happy and super tone. I also eat as fresh as possible. And I never eat fast food. I never found it tasty at all. Good Luck! I like your blog...I have to take time out to read your older posts.

Anonymous said... October 16, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Wait a minute? You are a registered dietitian??? Now I feel silly about my comment above. I should have read your bio first. Your problem is more emotional you might be depressed because being a dietitian I don't see how you could put yourself in that predicament.

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