I'm An Asshole

I had an epiphany while I was walking to the supermarket last night: I'm an asshole.

These last four months have been really taxing on me emotionally, mentally and physically. There has been a bunch of drama at my job, Wil has been really busy and unavailable because of school and wedding planning has been nothing short of chaotic. I could get more specific, but I don't want to bore you with the nuances of my life. Just trust me when I say that I have really legitimate reasons to be all-around drained, but still...I'm an asshole.

I say that because most of the things that cause me to have mini-strokes are peanuts compared to other people's problems. I haven't had a vacation in over a year. Some people have NEVER been on vacation in their lives. My job is very demanding and gives nothing in return. Hundreds of thousands of people would kill to have a steady paycheck. Planning a large wedding is very stressful. Millions of couples forgo a wedding because they cannot afford to have one.

I was looking through my text messages while walking to the supermarket and wanted to slap myself when I looked at what I had sent Wil earlier in the day. I sound like a whiny bitch. I reread some more text messages and I actually felt embarrassed. Let me just focus on my assholeness as it applies to the wedding: I have spent too much time thinking about the wedding and not enough time thinking about the marriage

My dream bouquet is NOT IN SEASON!
That's what's really important, people. It's not about having your shoes the right shade of pink or whether or not the flowers you'd like in your bouquet are in season. It's about marriage. It's about the people we love and cherish coming together to celebrate our union. It's about a life-long commitment made in front God and the church community. I'm an asshole because it's taken me this long to realize that none of these preparations matter as much as the sacrament we're going to make in less than a month. 

I'm grateful for all of the help we've received from our family and friends in preparing for this party, but it's just that...a party. The real occasion-the real cause for celebration-is what's going to happen at 2:00 in the afternoon at Holy Name of Jesus Church. That's what's important, not whether or not we have menus on the reception tables.

I feel so happy and blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side. A man who absolutely cherishes me and sees me as perfect through his eyes. But I'm not perfect and in fact, I've been nagging and whining and impossible to deal with for a few months. And I'm going to stop it right this second. I'm not going to complain about the wedding preparations anymore. It's going to be perfect because at the end of the day, despite any hiccups that may arise, I'm going to be married to my best friend. And that's all that matters. 

I know I'm rambling a bit, but I really needed to get this out...even if it's totally incoherent. I'm going to spend my last few weeks as a happily engaged woman as exactly that: a happily engaged woman. Not stressing about whether or not I have to send rehearsal dinner invitations (do people seriously do that?!) will help me accomplish that goal. And like always, my Honey Bunches of Oats is on board with my plan. Whatta man.


Mandy said... October 12, 2011 at 8:17 AM

Thanks so much for this! I am planning a rather small wedding, and only have 6 months to do it all! So I've been feeling the stress of "GEEZ! How the crap am I going to pull this off?!" Thanks for reminding me that it's not about whether things run smooth or I get it together in time. It's really about I want to spend the rest of my life with this awesome man. I don't need an awesome cake or decorations to solidify that. :)

Zoe said... October 12, 2011 at 8:59 AM


Anonymous said... October 12, 2011 at 9:40 AM

'Atta girl.


Annika said... October 12, 2011 at 9:59 AM

Don't be so hard on yourself though, girly! We all need these little kick in the pants epiphanies and we all act like general ass holes sometimes. What will set you apart from the majority of people though is the fact that you recognize it and can make steps to change!

jo said... October 12, 2011 at 10:01 AM

Good girl. I hoped you'd get there eventually. NONE of the other stuff matters. Relax and enjoy. No one will remember if the colors matched of the caterer did well or if the food was good or what the cake tasted like. They will remember crying at the church and your first dance being so cute.

Nitzalie said... October 12, 2011 at 11:45 AM

Good. For. You! you know that I've been the biggest advocate for: Relax! Enjoy the ride! Don't sweat the small stuff! I'm so thrilled you finally figured it out...you looked great this morning. Smiling and happy. Not stressing about the centerpieces, the linens, blah blah blah. Just you, happy Danielle:) Enjoy this last month. Have fun and take it all in!

Barby said... October 12, 2011 at 12:01 PM

I second everything everyone said above. Deep Breath and enjoy the ride. {Hugs}

Carol said... October 13, 2011 at 7:47 AM

Some people never get to that realization. You will have so much when the party is over because you're smart and you have a good guy to go through life with.
So happy for you and so proud of you too!

Sara Lucinda Bell said... October 14, 2011 at 12:58 AM

It's so refreshing to read this perspective! I know quite a few people who divorced fewer than three years later because they were in it for the wedding and not for the marriage. Good for you for being in the right frame of mind...
And I think we all get to act like that a little sometimes, just as long as we realize it and snap out of it! =]

Anonymous said... October 20, 2011 at 11:25 AM

Wow. thank you for this! Becuase i'm in the verge of cracking! I have a wedding in February and it's been driving me nuts and so has my job. Thank you for helping me bring myself back to earth. :)

Peddie said... October 23, 2011 at 5:01 PM

This is inspiring ;) Good for you for being realistic and positive about everything, despite the stress... and ps: awesome wedding date ;)

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