Spanx A Lot

My wedding dress is very unforgiving and while I have worked incredibly hard to get my body right for this special occasion, I still have a BIG problem that shows no signs of resolving itself over the next 70 days: My Ass. It's big. Period.

I have slimmed down to an incredible 116 pounds (I used to weigh 200), but no matter how many squats or lunges I do, the ass remains. Such is life, I suppose, but there's still the dress issue. I don't want to embarr-ASS the grandmothers when I walk down the church aisle with my junky behind jiggling all over the place, so after careful consideration, I've decided to wear Spanx under my outfit.

I haven't been looking forward to shopping for this particular item at all, so I called in some reinforcements. My girlfriend Tata met me at the corner of 60th & Lexington Avenue yesterday so we could check out the Bloomingdale's selection of Spanx. Let me tell you, ladies: they had them all. Bras, panties, shorts, tanks, bodysuits, gym wear (weird), leggings, everything! I was really impressed...and overwhelmed.

The Spanx Mecca at Bloomingdale's
We spent a good 20 minutes looking through the 23487502385 styles of Spanx that would work for my particular dress and double that trying the stuff on. Why, you ask? Because I'm fun-sized and nothing fits me right. Apparently, women under 6-feet tall shouldn't need to use shapers. I tried on the style featured above and (I'm not joking) the bottom fell on my shin. Awesome.

Were I alone, I would've left the store right then and there, but Tata was determined to find something for my fanny. She eventually brought in some little short black things that worked (I hate to admit this, but they made my ass look a-mazing). Like I mentioned, the ones she found were black, so all we had to do was walk back over and grab the right color and size. This is me we're talking about wasn't that simple.

Just my luck.
The particular shorts I tried on didn't have any tags. When we went over to the rack where my buddy found them, there where no more. The shorts didn't have any kind of style number or other identifying marker on the label. No biggie, it's Bloomingdale's. The Spanx consultant will be able to figure this whole mess out, right? Wrong.

The chick working the Spanx boutique last night was working alone (I'll give her that), but...she was still the most useless, scatter-brained and inattentive woman I've ever had "helping" me in Bloomingdale's. She wasn't able to figure out which style I had tried on and I left the store totally defeated. Thank God for good friends though...

Tata took 23945872305 pictures of the shorts before we left and she sat in front of the computer for a few hours after she got home looking for the them online. And she thinks she found them. The Spanx are amazing and they're going to make me look stunning in my dress, but they're super expensive. While I don't mind spending some bucks to look hawt on my wedding day, I've already spent an obscene amount of money on my ensemble, so...if any of you know where I can get these bad boys, cheaper, please let me know.


Jennifer said... September 2, 2011 at 8:07 AM

I almost wore spanx on my wedding day too but my seamstress told me to just wear pantyhose (that I wanted to wear to help my feet from getting too hurt). I went with just that and I still wish I chose a non form fitting gown lol. Talk about hard to sit in, dance in and walk in, thanks to the train. Maybe I should have gone with a no train gown.

N said... September 2, 2011 at 10:21 AM

The woman who does Spanx also makes a line that is cheaper. They're called Assets. They can be found at Target and perhaps some other places but I've only seen them at Target. Here's the website which is not-so-coincidentially a subset of the Spanx website.

sara without the h said... September 5, 2011 at 4:18 PM

Spanx are rather expensive but they are also really good quality and will last a long while. So you do get a really good value for the money. I absolutely love mine and I've had them for a while and tend to wear them often.

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