The Hen Party

I don't care for strippers. I'm not talking about female strippers, they're all right. I'm talking about the dudes.

Call me crazy, but I find NOTHING attractive about watching men dance around in their underpants. Maybe my distaste comes from a traumatic experience about ten years ago... 

After a final exam in my second year of college, some girlfriends came up with the bright idea to go to an all-male revue near our school. I had never been to one (and really had no desire to go), but was kinda curious about the things that went on in there, so I went. BIG mistake!

Let me set up the scene for you: It's May. I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt. There are 9284572039857 middle-aged women sitting in chairs around a dark, empty dance floor. You could hear them all panting in anticipation over the corny techno music. I'm the youngest person there. And then "Ken" walked out.

It was REALLY dark and to this day, I'm still impressed that "Ken" was able to hone in on me as quickly as he did when he took the "stage." Without taking time to woo the rest of the crowd, this dude walked up to me and started taking off his clothes. I was so mortified, I couldn't even look at him. Of course my girlfriends thought this was the most hilarious thing they had ever seen and died laughing as he stripped down to a zebra-print thong for me.

That's not sweat.
I didn't know I was supposed to tip him for this show. Besides, I hadn't asked him to come over to my chair in the first place...and I didn't have singles.

My girlfriends noticed that I was frantically looking in my purse for money for this guy, so they threw together some money for him: about $20. "Ken" must have been impressed with that tip because he decided he wasn't done with me yet.

After the cash was tucked safely away in his sack (I now always wash my hands after handling money), he pulled me out onto the dance floor. He had me wrap my arms and legs around him and started "dancing" with me.

I mentioned that I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I didn't mention that this dude was covered head-to-toe in baby oil. The oil on his skin could've heated a Siberian mansion for a year, I'm not even kidding. These are both important things to consider when I tell you what happened next. Really, it was bound to happen.

While "Ken" was galloping around the dance floor with me attached to him like a baby koala bear, I felt myself losing my grip; it may or may not have been on account of the 23985472038754 gallons of baby oil on his person. He assured me that he had a good hold of me. Well, he dropped me anyway.

Not only did he drop me, he dropped me right on my head! Anyone in that room could hear my face smack off the tile floor. I don't know what was more hurt, my mug or my pride. I gave "Ken" a death stare that I hope was burned into his memory forever, grabbed my bag and RANTHEFUCKOUTOFTHERE!

So, yeah, when my bridesmaids started buzzing about my hen party, I gave them some ground rules that I'm going to share with you. Tell me if I'm being a party pooper...

ONE. Please, for the love of God Almighty, DO NOT bring me to a strip club...or get me a stripper...or have any sweaty, oily, half-naked men ANYWHERE near us. I swear on my unborn children, if I see a stripper creeper in the corner of wherever we are, I will get up and walk out. Dead ass. 

Two. Y'all know I work every other weekend. Since my co-workers are throwing me a shower in August and my bridal shower is going to be sometime in September, I'd like to do this thing in October. I'm off the weekend of 10/1 and 10/15...I'm off 10/29, too, but if we do it that weekend, I'm afraid that I won't be fully-recovered from my hangover in time for the wedding. 

THREE. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of gal. I don't mind going anywhere fancy, but if I can get away with being at said fancy place in jeans and a bachelorette party-appropriate top, I'd be forever grateful. If I have to wear a dress, please let me know so I can plan accordingly. THREE-1/2. Not too many penis necklaces/hats/straws/rings/tiaras/cups/plates/napkins/shirts/shorts/etc.

Given my history, I don't think I'm asking too much, am I?! I'm curious...what did you do for YOUR bachelorette party? Was it "grown and sexy" or "raucous shit show"? Maybe if I know that more of my friends had a totally embarrassing, immature and childish hen party, I'll be a little more accepting (and less mortified) if it goes down that way...probably not though. Either way, I wanna know...what had happened?!


Melissa Lopez said... June 13, 2011 at 1:47 PM

Omg that is like the worst experience ever. I hate male strippers as well. I haven't had a bachelorette party BUT I hosted a salsa bachelorette party for one of my friends and she had a blast. There were penis straws though and pin the tale on the penis. lol

Leonela said... June 13, 2011 at 1:49 PM

Lmao!!!!! This is absolutely hilarious!!!!!! My sister actually had an experience like this minus the dropping of the head; she ended up locking herself in the bathroom for the rest of the night. lol.

Zoe said... June 13, 2011 at 2:05 PM

There will be no strippers! Else I am not going! :D

Barby said... June 13, 2011 at 4:12 PM

Sorry but I am LMAO! Sorry you had to go thru that. Well when I got married many many moons ago I didn't have a bachelorette so I can't give you my thoughts on how I felt about the whole thing. lol But I have been to a few since some with Stippers and some with out.. I have to say I have enjoyed the ones without more then then ones with. Good Luck... with the whole thing.. (I might have to write to my sis-in-law and find out what the have plan for you.. LOL j/k )No really hope that whatever is plan for you is something that you enjoy to the fullest.

  said... June 13, 2011 at 4:17 PM

Don't worry I'll be there to catch you this time!

Danfredo Photos + Films said... June 13, 2011 at 5:24 PM

@Melissa: That was the first AND ONLY experience I've had with male strippers. I'm SOOO over it!

@Leonela: I think I went home, locked myself in the bathroom, ran the shower and sat in the bathtub for 2398572 hours after that experience.

@Zoe: That is exactly why I'm glad you are coordinating this whole thing!

@Barby: Eileen is invited to my hen party and knows the rules. She and Zoe are working together to make sure I have a grown and sexy evening...I hope.

@Roz: Over my dead body.

MODERN MOM said... June 13, 2011 at 10:00 PM

OMG I hate male strippers Melissa hosted my bachelorette party and they even took me on stage! LOL it was funny! I went along with the ride and it was fun... you should just go along for the ride! It will be a night full of memories!

Anonymous said... June 14, 2011 at 4:55 PM

One word...B O W L I N G!

irish_guy_86 said... September 11, 2011 at 9:31 AM

well, im a guy and i hate male strippers, it's degrading and the girls who play along in the act licking cream/chocolate/whateverthefucktheyuse off the guy are just as bad and i lose all total respect for any girl who goes along with the act.

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