God, I'm Old

Whenever I close my eyes and think of my baby brother, Bobby (and I mean every time), I picture him in a cow costume - his 3-year old Halloween costume. When I was thinking about him yesterday, I first thought of his cow costume and then thought about the date and did the math...he's turning EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD in six weeks (from yesterday)! Oh. My. God. I'm. Old.

He and I are about 11 years apart and when he was a newborn, I helped my mom out with him A LOT! I fed him, bathed him, put him to sleep, woke him up, read to him (Chicken Little was his favorite), played with him, watched Barney with him, dressed him...I EVERYTHING'D HIM! I was his mini-mom, still am in a way. Thinking about him turning eighteen makes me a little sad. I want him to be my MooMoo Man forever, but I know that's impossible. He's a "meng" now...and a great one at that.

He's smart, compassionate, thoughtful, ridiculously good-looking (he gets that from me), funny, charming, clever, witty, talented, wise beyond his years and just all-around awesome (another thing he gets from me). He's really grown into such an amazing person and although it makes me sad to see him grow up, I find happiness in knowing that I had something to do with shaping him into the man he's become.

We're very close and I love him incredibly. In fact, I love him so much that I've been planning his 18th birthday party since he was 3-years old. In his third birthday card, I wrote him a promise. I promised that I was going to bring him and five of his best friends to a strip club for his eighteenth birthday (don't report me to CPS; this is sibling talk, it's allowed). I have referenced this "party" at EVERY birthday for the past fifteen years and yesterday I realized that the time has come to actually start planning it. You know you're old when something you've been talking about for fifteen years is finally going to happen. I hope they let women with walkers into these joints.

Considering the economic climate (and the fact that I decided to be a jerk and get married the same year that my brother came of age), I made the decision to reduce Bobby's guest list to two. I hit him up on Facebook yesterday and asked him who he'd like to invite. This is the point where I realized that I had one foot in the grave. My brother proceeded to inform me at some point over the past 15 years, the age to enter a strip club was raised from 18 to 21. 

I am beyond bummed. I feel like a total failure. Damn you, Rudy Giuliani, for ruining my brother's birthday! All I wanted to do was pay a young woman $203875203587 to rub her titty balls on my baby brother's face, with 5 (well, 2) of his friends watching, God! I found out that 18-year olds are allowed in "juice clubs" in New York, but no. I just can't do it. My Bobby deserves better than bootleg boobies, that's for damn sure!

Well, now that the strip club is totally out of the question, what the hell am I going to do for this kid's birthday?! Although it seems uber lame in comparison, I was thinking about bringing him and a couple of friends out to eat somewhere in the village (kids like the village...I think). The only problem with that is I don't know where to bring him because I'm an old lady and not hip to where the cool eateries are located. Where should I bring my baby brother for his big birthday, Blogger?


Bobby, the aforementioned younger brother said... April 12, 2011 at 9:45 PM

I'm really sorry about the whole "Strip Club" thing falling apart because of laws changing. I'm not sorry that both you, Natalie and everyone else in my life have been there to help shape me into the person that I am today. I cannot forsake any lesson you have taught me, be it about "pearl necklaces" or coping with that the future has in store for me.
As for the dinner, that's more than sufficient. It's a well-appreciated alternative to the promised "titty balls" which I have had the pleasure of reading the proper definition of. Thank you again for everything, Danielle. I love you oh so very much for your sweet, heart-felt words. They mean so much to me.

Anonymous said... April 16, 2011 at 8:00 AM

Thank you for all the suggestions posted on Facebook/texted/emailed! Here are the two finalists:

1. Apizz (http://www.apizz.com/).
2. Mole (http://www.molenyc.com/).

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