Kleinfeld: Take Two

Thursday, February 24th, 2011, 2:58pm EST. This was when I walked into Kleinfeld (again), only this time...I HAD AN APPOINTMENT! This isn't the Kleinfeld I walked into the day before; this is a living, breathing thing. The walls were swelling with the anticipated breaths of 395460739854723 women waiting to be called to be led into the showroom (I don't know if that's what they call it, but that's what I'm calling it). It was bad enough that I felt awkward being in there (Danielle "anti-bride" Ciappa, remember), but the nervous energy of close to a billion brides, mothers, sisters, dads and grandmothers made it so much worse! I just couldn't wait in the designated area for my 3:45pm appointment, so I went down to check out the accessories. Bad idea.

It was a bad idea because the fate of my wedding day neckline was determined for me twelve minutes after Wil slipped the ring on my finger (I received a beautiful necklace from my in-laws as an engagement gift). I thought there'd be no harm in looking, but boy, was I wrong! There were so many beautiful (and ridiculously priced) shiny things in that basement that even I had no choice but to play dress up. I tried on necklaces and earrings and shoes and broaches GALORE! I could not get enough! All I kept thinking while fingers fretted with clasps around my head was, "This is NOT me!" I don't know if it was the lights or the pink or the estrogen, but something changed in my baby brain when I walked down those stairs. I was in such a daze that I almost missed when my saleswoman, Deborah, called my name to be led to the main event. Those Kleinfeld folks know what they're doing; by this point, I was perfectly primed to do some very gay and girly things without thinking twice about it. I was ready to try on some $2398572309857 headpieces!  

Now, I thought this was going to be a piece of cake. I mean, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted already. I even went as far as to go online and print out the model number of the Maria Elena headpiece to make the ordering process easy peasy. The only thing that I couldn't find online was the price of the damn thing. Okay, I know that should've thrown up all sorts of red flags and it did, but I ignored them. I figured that this thing was close to (and I was trying to be as ridiculous as possible in my pricing) $400. I know that sounds like a large sum of money to spend on a sparkly headband, but since my dress only cost $3, I haven't minded spending a couple of dollars on my accessories; that and my mother-in-law and grandmother had already told me they wanted to buy this thing for me. All that being said, after Deborah shepherded me into the showroom and I set down my bags, I whipped out my print out and showed her what I wanted. She smiled a smile at me that said, "Yeah, you're not the first sucker who walked in here and asked me for this." I learned a lot in those next 89 seconds. Here are the highlights: 

One. Kleinfeld does not carry the "Alyssa Milano headpiece" in the store
Two. Kleinfeld is able to special order the Maria Elena "Alyssa Milano headpiece".
Three. The "Alyssa Milano headpiece" is EIGHT HUNDRED EIGHTY US DOLLARS.
Four. Fuck my life.

Yeah, no. A piece of my heart and soul died during those precious moments when Deborah tore down my 3-day old dream, crumbled it up in a ball, threw it on the ground and pissed on it. There's no way on God's Green Earth that I could bring myself to spend $23985470238754029345 of somebody else's money on something that I could buy for $8.99 at a Claire's Boutique. Back to the drawing board, I guess...but at least the drawing board was Kleinfeld's headpiece department.

After I wiped my tears and composed myself, I walked over to the wall where all the sparkly things were kept. There were at least fifty equally beautiful headpieces, all begging to be tried on. Again, I lost control of all thought patterns and coordinated movements. I grabbed about fifteen headpieces and started trying them on. There were five that I ABSOLUTELY loved, but I couldn't have all of them. I decided to narrow down my options by price. Of course the new one that I loved was also $880. Gone. Two others were in the $600 price range which I still thought to be ridiculous. Gone-gone. So, it came down to two. Two equally beautiful headpieces that I could not, for the life of me, decide between. Then Deborah had a bright idea: "Try them on with a veil to make your final decision."

Here's the thing: I HATE veils. I think they look so silly with their mesh and their noise and their...and their...I JUST DON'T LIKE THEM, OKAY?! I told my and Wil's family FROM DAY ONE that Baby Jesus himself wouldn't be able to get me into a veil on my wedding day. You can only imagine my reaction when she proposed PUTTING ONE ON MY HEAD as a way to choose my headpiece once and for all. She's the professional, right? Yep. A sheep again, I had no choice but to follow...and she brought me to the CATHEDRAL VEILS!

Oh, HELL no! This chick REALLY thought that I was going to transition from veil-less wonder to 2398547203987542035-foot long cathedral veil in 0.2495809548 seconds! No. No way. I'm NOT doing it!  Yeah, that's what I thought. "Try it on, Danielle. It's just 'for effect.' You don't need to love it; you just need to see it." Yep, she's the professional. I put that 2398547203987542035-foot long cathedral veil on my head and...fell in love with it. Wow. Seriously, WHO AM I?!  Kleinfeld broke me. Kleinfeld tore down my 28-year old convictions, crumbled them up in a ball, threw them on the ground and pissed on them, too. It looked beautiful. At that point, she didn't need to sell me on the thing, but she told me that brides with dresses like mine (yeah, I let her see my $3 dress) look AMAZING with cathedral veils. She was right. Danielle "anti-everything bridal" Ciappa is going to look like a princess on her wedding day and it's ALL Kleinfeld's fault! These pieces are being ordered within the next couple of weeks. The saga continues...


  said... March 1, 2011 at 10:36 PM

SEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Klienfeld is a magical, wonderful place. I would go straight there if we won the lottery <3 <3 <3

Unknown said... March 2, 2011 at 7:36 AM

You are too funny.....
Can't wait to hear more and see you in this thing. Your going to be so beautiful up in the Boogie Down. ;)

Nitzalie said... March 2, 2011 at 11:44 AM

Ahhh Kleinfeld :) Love that Store!

NancyS said... March 14, 2011 at 4:28 PM

Cathedral-length is the way to go!

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